No Choice

The sky is gray and sprinkling rain.  It’s not what you’d call chilly, exactly, and yet I feel it in my bones.  The dampness has set in.  I have nothing in particular to feel badly about, except maybe the weather.  But I am fussing and picking at everything! Things that usually slip off me like fine silk are rubbing me the wrong way.  I can’t stand the way he does that!  Why does she always do that me? It’s the kind of day where I might spill cottage cheese all down my shirt and then be really upset with myself, too.  I feel like I really, really just want to be somewhere else!

This, it would seem, is exactly the state of mind Eckhart Tolle says produces no choice. It was not my choice to stub my toe, I shout!  But I can tell my head is full of other things and I just walked right into that chair.

It’s a very intriguing concept to me.  This having no choice. I have long believed we make our own choices.  We are co-creators of our own lives.  How can this be that I have no choice?

But it makes a lot of sense, when you think about it.  Perhaps it brings some relief to say, I didn’t consciously choose to lose my best friend. I can see that when I’m all tangled up in the stuff in my head, it’s not easy to be making real choices.  I can’t even control my thoughts.  You wouldn’t really say that you chose to break your arm.  Maybe you needed it to slow down and face some other things.  But that was not your conscious choice. Your head was probably buzzing with complaints, past dredging or future dreaming.  When you get right down to it, if you’re not in the present moment, truly aware of what’s going on, you really do have no choice.  Yikes!  But it answers a lot of questions when you realize there are things in your life you didn’t consciously create.

And that’s just the problem:  we are not conscious.  How can we expect to make good, healthy choices for ourselves when we’re wrapped up in repetitive, unconscious thinking?

Noticing that this is happening is clearly the first step.  Then I stop, notice my breath and try to feel my body.  A good way in is to note how your body is:  are your shoulders up?  Tightness in your back?  What’s going on in your body?  That immediately brings you out of the nasty chatter in your head.  Like taking a shower allows insights to arise.  The funny thing is that being out of your head is the best place to be for good conscious, real choices.

Once I’ve gotten in touch with my body, I feel I have some control.  I can dig deeper to the feelings under the physical sensations.  That is where the true answers lie, where the guidance is found.

All of sudden, from that place, I can say to myself, Joe didn’t mean to do that.  He doesn’t really do it all the time.  He may just be tired.  Like I am.  I didn’t get enough sleep last night. That’s why I’m so cranky.  I may be back in my head, but I’m feeling a lot gentler now.  I’m directing and choosing my thoughts.  Choosing to have kinder and more loving thoughts.

Then I notice I do have a choice how I’m thinking and feeling.  And lo and behold, the sun has come out!

7 Ways to Better Relationships

It seems everywhere I turn these days, people are talking about relationships.  Books, seminars, lectures, and even classes on how to have better relationships.  Maybe I’ve been especially blessed as I’ve always had lots of relationships and feel fairly contented (at least at the moment) with my significant other.

I just don’t think it’s that tricky.  Relationships are what your life is all about.  The relationship you have with the people, places and things around you, defines who you are.  Every relationship is there to help you wake up and learn something new about yourself.  Everyone is your “Zen Master” as my teacher, Paulette Terrels says. 

So, why do people carry on so about them? Does it say something about our culture that people are so dissatisfied with the relationships in their lives? Or feel so separated and alone?  Can I say all my relationships are perfect?  That I wouldn’t want to tweak a few them?  Of course not.  But I try to use them all as a flashlight to illuminate things I need to learn and experience.

We are social beings and tend to congregate.  If there’s no one in your life, it’s probably because you’re not letting them in.

Here are my humble ways to have good relationships:

1)  Be more conscious in your relationships.  Know that you make a statement about who you are by how you relate to everything in your life.  Pay attention and take steps which reflect how you wish to relate, how you wish to be in relationship to whoever or whatever it is.

2)  Let go of expectations.  People are not put here to live up to your expectations and behave just the way you want them to. It’s a practice in peace to allow others to be who they are. It is also the greatest gift you can give them.

3)  Remember very few of us are mind readers.  Frankly, we’ve all got way too much chatter going on in our heads to allow in someone else’s.  If you don’t tell someone what you need or want, how are they supposed to know?  Be sure to let go of your expectations when you do, though.  Just because you ask, doesn’t mean they can deliver. But you’re surely not going to get what you want by being quiet and hoping the other will just know.

One of my favorite episodes of the old Dick Van Dyke show (from the 60’s) begins with Rob and Laura in the car, coming home one night.  Laura is obviously angry at Rob, but he doesn’t have a clue why.  He recounts the entire evening in flashbacks, trying to find the place where he messed up. They went to the theater with friends and then went for coffee and met some other friends. At the end of the evening, Rob picks up the check and we see that is what has gotten Laura’s panties in a twist.  She thinks he doesn’t love their 8 year old son.  Huh? Why would she think that? Finally she admits, she thinks Rob has jeopardized their son’s college education by  picking up the tab for everyone’s dinner when all the two of them had was dessert. I remember that scene when I am thinking someone should know what I want: Laura spent a lot of time feeling angry when all she had to do was tell him!  “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you,” is a lame excuse and causes far more problems than just saying it. If he had known she felt that way, he wouldn’t have picked up the check to begin with.

4)  Allow your relationships to come and go.  What is the saying that people are in your life for a moment, a season or a lifetime.  When it’s time for a person to leave your life, let them go – whether that’s to college, another plane of existence, across town, or the next love. We cannot hold people with us.  It is the nature of relationships to change.

5)  Appreciate the relationships you have.  There is something to be found in every relationship. I’m in a position right now where I come in contact with a lot of people.  Each one of them offers me something different.  Each one is a gift in my life. Notice how even the smallest relationship – like the person behind the counter at the library – can make your day.

6)  Define the kind of people you want in your life and watch for them. SARK talks about “building platforms of support.”  If you want a strong system to hold you up in your life, order up a platform of support. Who are the kind of people that will bring to your life what you need?  Then just be on the lookout for them.

7)  Open to relationships.  Don’t be so picky about it.  Know that you can learn, grow and have fun with just about anyone. Open your heart to others and they will open theirs to you.