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I was reading in Susan Jeffers’ newsletter this month about how neediness gets in the way of our fully loving another. I have seen that happen over and over. When I really needs something from someone, I mean desperately need it, I can see the fear and resistance in their eyes. Even if they give it to me, I can tell it’s not fun. If I had just asked for what I wanted, without all the drama, it might have gone a lot easier. Truly, if we are to live without fear, we must let go of our needs.
But what can we say positively about needs? When you need something it’s a strong emotion. Maybe not all the time, but most of the time an adult can figure out what he or she needs. Food, quiet, rest, another person, a ride, some encouragement, permission . . .
Needs are strong and often unmistakable. What this does is give you important information. True enough that trying to get your needs fulfilled by others who may or may not be inclined, can be a recipe for disharmony. But what if you stay where you are, get to know your need, first? What if you try to decipher what that need is trying to tell you, before you go around begging? Discovering exactly what you need.
When we understand our needs more clearly, we can decide how best to go about getting them filled.
My contention is, if you use the strong emotion of need to get clearer on what you truly need, you’re standing on firmer ground. From that stance, you can more powerfully take care of your own needs.
There seems to be a lot of talk I’m hearing these days about creating your life, pursuing your dream, getting what you want. I’m all for that. I believe, deeply, that we create our own lives. But maybe it’s just too easy to get caught up in what I want.
In Susan Jeffer’s newsletter this month, she talks about Instant Angels – those blessed souls who show up just when you need them. She went on to explain that we can all be Instant Angels for someone else, too. If we pay attention to others, we can spot ways we can come to someone’s rescue.
What a fun way to live life! Thinking about yourself, obsessing on your thoughts, while beneficial, can get decidedly boring. Maybe we can plant some thoughts like all is well, I have all I need and get on with it. Alan Cohen sent me this quote from Lao Tzu, “Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”
Now, that’s some good marching orders for being an Instant Angel! Imagine how you would feel if the world belonged to you. There’s nothing you couldn’t do for others.
We all have so much to give. Whether or not we have money, we’re likely to have some time. There’s no shortage of imagination and ideas, a kind word, a voice to motivate. So many ways to help others! A hand, an ear, a smile.
I just love this Instant Angel concept. It only takes an instant to decide to help someone. And it may only take a moment to deliver that help. I’m not sure if I really believe this, but I heard a story that someone was feeling lost and unloved, when a stranger gave them a warm and loving smile. It completely changed their attitude and made them rethink their negative thoughts. It turned their whole world around. How wonderful is that! You could change someone’s life simply by smiling at them.
Maybe we can play with one of Agent Cooper’s rules. He says that every day you should give yourself a gift, unplanned. Let’s shift that to giving a gift to someone else every day, unplanned. It needn’t be wrapped in fancy paper, just a moment’s awareness will do.
Cheryl Richardson has a spot on her website where you can get a “Touch of Grace.” You think about an issue, click on a twinkling star and get one of her cards with a word and a thought to ponder. Today I got Chance.
What does that mean? Taking a chance means allowing yourself to take steps that make you feel scared and excited at the same time. Something you’d really like to do but feel unsure about.
Taking a chance can be fun. Remember the Take a Chance from Monopoly? You just never know what you’re going to get for taking the leap. There needs to be a certain amount of mystery to it. After all, if you knew how it would turn out for sure, it wouldn’t really be a chance, would it?
Taking chances, it’s true can leave you vulnerable. But that’s part of the game. If you look at it from a different direction, it’s being open to the opportunities.
When you take a chance, you are filled with expectations, not stuck with one. You are open and willing. Anything can happen!
Taking a chance means moving ahead despite reluctance or fear. You may question or doubt, but that’s the time to toss it all aside and do it anyway. As Susan Jeffers teaches, “Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.” And what a powerful teaching that is!
Taking a chance means moving out of your comfort zone, opening the door, stepping out. It’s a good practice to take a chance every day. Even a small one.
I have been going on a bit lately about feelings for my upcoming book. How important it is to check in with how you’re feeling. They are the gauge that tell you how you’re going. Feelings are true and real, just not necessarily so.
Every day I read a page in Chellie Campbell’s wonderful book, “The Wealthy Spirit.” I’m liking the notion Chellie brought up in one of the day’s readings that you can’t always wait until your feelings are where you want them to be. If you did, you’d probably never do anything.
In regards to my recent experience in the car, I haven’t felt much like driving in inclement weather. I was able to escape it yesterday. (Though the road crews were out early and with their high tech solutions, made the roads pretty clear, from my point of view, there was still a whole lot of snow and I was not inclined to risk any more poles.) But today, I had to venture out. If I waited until I felt like it, I would hide under the covers (at least inside the door) until well into April.
It is an interesting path these feelings take. They come out of our thoughts: “I’m scared. I can’t do it. What if? I’ll mess up again.” I think we’re all familiar with that song and dance routine. These thoughts make me feel like I can’t, like I doan wanna. Which keep me from moving.
There are two ways to go here. One entails controlling my thoughts. Meditation, I believe, can help in training the mind. But it’s so easy to lose track in this multi-tasking, quick -cut, short attention span world we live in. You can forget about calming the feelings. That’s often a losing battle once it’s taken hold of you.
Ultimately, it must come back to the thought. But you need to change (or usurp) those chattering thoughts with one simple demand: “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” Susan Jeffers had the answer way back in the mid 80′s. There really isn’t any other way around it.
I would say you could use that same technique with any brand of fear you have. Feel the reluctance, the insecurity, the nervousness. The plan is always to acknowledge the feeling, whatever it is, and then follow Dr. Jeffers and do it anyway.
First, you might want to scan it through your feelings, though, to see if you really do want to do it. Even if it feels like your particular flavor of feeling, do you still feel it’s right to do? (I do want to go out, even if I don’t feel like it.) If there’s something you can do to pad the way, by all means, do it. If that means waiting one more day, getting the proper tools or supplies, asking someone for help, get busy and do it. Just don’t forget (or get lost in the preparations) and just do it.
My thoughts tell me I need to think certain things. For instance, the weather. What will I do if it’s icy, like it is today, and I have to go out? First of all, I had to tell myself, today, I don’t have to go out. Secondly, if I thought about it a moment, I’d know that I can handle getting around in inclement weather. Dr. Susan Jeffers tells us in her seminal work, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway,” that at the core of most fears is that we think we can’t handle something. I have no way of knowing what the weather will be when I do have to go out, so I may not even have to think about it. But if I do, I am fairly certain I can drive in any kind of weather (or make a decision not to). So, it doesn’t make much sense for me to stress about it now.
But my thoughts tell me that I MUST prepare, I must wonder about what if.
Does it really do me any good to worry about weather that hasn’t come yet? In fact, I think I’ll be much better off if I don’t go at it with trepidation. I will be a more skilled driver (or make a clearer decision) if I’m not stressed out. To try to calculate how the conditions might be, what I might need, how I will maneuver is clearly a waste of energy.
Anytime you face a situation that brings up fear, once you know (or convince yourself) that you can handle it, you can let go of those insistent thoughts that tell you can’t, or that you must plan and predict. Thoughts are not always right. Just because you think a thought (or read something on the Internet) does not assure its accuracy.
It’s often helpful to question your thoughts. Is that so? Must I really? Perhaps a more revealing question is: How do I want to feel in this situation? This opens up the clog of thoughts. When I say I would prefer to feel calm in the face of nasty weather, this illuminates the fact that bad weather is just another aspect of what can happen as a resident of this climate. It’s just another part of life in winter.
We tend to rely on our thoughts and trust in them. If I’m thinking it’s a difficult situation, I tend to think it must be. But we can just as easily tell ourselves, it’s an adventure, just something different, a challenge to keep us on our toes.
In class three of SARK’s Dream Boogie, we have been focusing on Energy. By observing you can see what you’re doing. Saying yes to whatever it is, you are able to see your patterned and predictable falls. For instance, though I work at home I do leave the house from time to time for various trips into the outside world. I find, if I take one of these outings in the middle of my work day, upon returning, I have lost my momentum. And it’s hard to get it back.
Noticing that, I can try to do something about it. Keeping my energy or returning my energy to the level I need for the action at hand is a very good way to keep the dream moving. SARK asked us to look at what expands and contracts our energy. Knowing this is valuable information we can use to fuel our dreams.
I think this is about a willingness to move forward. To keep taking the steps. And as Susan Jeffers says, fear comes into play when we think we can’t handle it. Keeping tabs on our energy, knowing what we can use to get the energy we need, we have more of a handle. We feel safer.
SARK brought up a concept she calls “Awakened Vulnerability.” I find it fascinating and I’m still wrestling with it. But I think it’s about being okay, being willing, to be vulnerable. Saying yes to your own vulnerability, but being awake enough to know what’s going on and what you need. You are aware, so you are safe. You return to the vulnerability of a child. One that doesn’t think about when she has to be somewhere, or if what she’s done is good enough, if others will attack her work. No, she’s just groovin’ with whatever is happening. Dreaming of candy . . . Laying there on her back, with her belly exposed, the self-created shell tucked neatly underneath her. Relaxing into the child that doesn’t need the shell at all.
In the class, we practiced in our small groups asking for what we want. That always seems so tough. First you have to figure out what you need. (But maybe listening to your energy needs help to get clearer on what that is.) Then, you have to be willing to ask and make yourself open to what you receive. It’s quite a process, but a very satisfying and inspiring one.
SARK asked us to fill out these statements ~
- I could be more willing to
I could allow myself to be more
Maybe I could try to
Perhaps it’s time to just go for it and
If I really knew it was possible I’d be willing to
My dream really wants me to be willing to
In order to expand my willingness it would take
“Dreams are meant to fit in with actual life. They want to be handled all the time,” SARK says. She has some good ways to get us moving on our dreams, including her very own micromovements. She promises more on that next week.
So by being better custodians of our own energy, being willing to say yes to our dreams, we can move more effectively where we choose to go.
Check out SARK’s website for lots more goodies to inspire. Use this link and they’ll know you’ve come from The Positive Slant Blog http://www.planetsark.com/cmd.php?af=1164573.
Special Agent Dale Cooper, from Twin Peaks fame said, “When two things happen simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry we must pay special attention.” Now, Agent Cooper may be a fictional character, but he was a character who was enamored with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and that’s pretty solid in my book. Agent Cooper also claimed to be a Tibetan Buddhist. Again, good crowd. He believed in, every day, giving himself a present. This is a philosophy I can sit with.
So, I’ve taken these words about paying special attention and expanded them. I believe, there are messages of Guidance around us all the time. All we have to do is listen. Many of the messages are quiet, what some refer to as “the still small voice.” It’s easy to ignore if you choose. But sometimes the Universe decides to make sure you hear. That’s when I pay special attention.
My statement, I know, is no more pithy than Agent Cooper’s, but, I feel, equally wise. When the same thing comes up within recent memory from different sources, you must pay special attention.
In Susan Jeffer’s December Newsletter she asks us to Lighten Up. In quotes she says, learn how to “wear the world like a loose garment.” The December 22nd Daily Inspiration from Alan Cohen said, “Seek to wear life like a loose garment.” Source unknown.
Well, I wanted to find out more about it. I’ve been reading and talking this stuff for a long time and this concept of the loose garment has never come up. Maybe it had to do with the Holiday season, but my perception was that I heard about the same intriguing concept from two separate sources within a few days of each other.
My search turned up some interesting things. It’s mentioned in AA literature and attributable to St. Francis and quoted in a Christian sermon. A Zen Buddhist referred to it and wondered “Who is the more “worthy”? One who spends 10 minutes trying to find a listing of the historical first uttering of the advice to “wear life like a loose garment” or the one who says ‘yeah – it’s an old adage that’s very true’ and moves on?” I claim to be both.
From a web site called everydaywonderland.com, an article said this:
“St. Francis advised that you should “wear the world like a loose garment,” and what he meant was that in order to be free, you need to be in the world without relying on it for shelter. A way of being that allows everything to come and go, not clinging to anything that arises; to regard any form of external security as temporary, and being willing to relinquish all forms of outwardly derived pleasure or satisfaction.”
The Sermon went on to cite Susan Jeffers from her book, “End the Struggle and Dance with Life”. “In the story, an old woman is asked why she is always calm and cheerful. Her answer is beautiful. ‘Well, I wear this world just as a loose garment.’ It implies no judgment, for everything is as it should be.”
The quote continues, “Wearing the world as a loose garment is a metaphor for holding the balance between embrace and detachment, intimacy and autonomy, the present moment and impermanence. In striving for this balance, you discover within all the help you ever wanted and all the comfort you ever desired.”
I also found the reference, strangely enough, in the fashion world.
I like the vision of wearing loose clothing. Clothes you would wear when you’re relaxed and at ease. Not having to stick to rules or dress up for anyone. Free of attachments, anything that binds or fears of outcome or having to prove yourself.
It is an easy metaphor to grasp. Everyone has worn clothes that fit well and those that are too tight.
I think it’s about loosening up, letting go of attachments and expectations. About being flexible and allowing life to breeze through your loose garment.
I use it with things like my schedule. I choose what I want to do, but life has a way of changing things. Like bending in the wind, if you’re loose you can roll with it. If I find myself pressed up against the wall, tight and uncomfortable, it often helps to relax into whatever is happening. Think of those loose fitting clothes. As if I was home, in my relaxed clothing, I can allow. I’m practicing allowing myself to do what I feel inspired to do, even if it’s not what I intended to do. Or do what comes up in front of my face, asking for my attention. If it does that, it’s probably more important than the prescribed agenda I’d previously set up for myself. I always feel, if I go with what seems to be asking for my attention, I may not get as much as I originally intended, but I will do a far better job. If you feel you need to clean up your desk before doing the books and you follow that, you may find that you have a clearer head for doing the books and do a better job, and enjoy it more.
I just want to be more loose about these things. I’d like to say that we always have a choice. But some people don’t feel like they do. In the moment, now, you have to do this, even though you feel you need to do that. If you will find a place to do this other thing, as soon as you can, you will feel better. If you say you don’t have time for that, I’d say you have some belt loosening to do. If every moment of your life is booked, you’re not wearing loosely.
This has little to do with productivity. Well, in practice, it may, in fact, make you more productive to be loose. Wearing life loosely doesn’t mean shifting your responsibilities. It’s about doing everything you do with a lighter hand, a softer touch and an easier breath.
Just thinking about this phrase living life like a loose garment eases my shoulders and slows my breathing, softens my muscles, unclenches my jaw. I’m halfway there!
I’m thinking that wearing life loosely allows you to, quite naturally, let go of the outcome. If you’re loose and comfortable, you’re not worried about the future. The minute you start to worry, you can become aware of the tight pants, the strong bands around your wrists or neck.
I went to a conference once. An important industry event and my Aunt Edith said to me, “Make sure yours shoes are comfortable. If they’re not, it’ll be all you think about.” Yeah, yeah, sure. I brushed it off. I had some beautiful new shoes and I was going to wear them! Lo and behold, she was so right. I was fixated on my shoes and looking for a chair every chance I could. The next day, I changed my shoes and boy was I glad I did!
I knew a band once called “Loose Shoes.” They played all kinds of music and whenever they played you wanted to get up and dance. What great motivation it is to feel you have enough room in your shoes to get up and dance! Your happy feet just can’t keep still.
When you live life loosely, things come to you when you need it. Being easier allows the opportunities to arise, the answers to pop up unexpectedly. Try it. Just remind yourself to live life more loosely and see how you feel and what can happen!
“Feel the Fear . . and Do It Anyway” lists 5 Truths about Fear.
The first one is that “The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.”
I find that comforting. Fear can certainly make me uncomfortable. Perhaps, in some ways, that’s a good safety mechanism. But once I notice I’m in fear, I don’t need the fight or flee response. I can relax a little, knowing that fear and I are going to be spending more time together as I venture out. The second truth is that “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.”
Fear, as they say, is part of the territory. The landscape over which you must travel to do something new. Get a new job, set a new direction, start a new business, a new life, or just open a new area of your life.
Susan Jeffers, the author of “Feel the Fear” also talks about the “Grid of Life.” She does a grid of 9 boxes. Three up and three across. You fill in things like relationship, job/career, family, friends, community, spirit, health, etc. It’s to show you that there’s more to life than just your Relationship. Or your Job. So, as you go about developing or expanding areas of your life, you needn’t be surprised when you encounter fear.
Since there’s no use in pretending fear won’t be there, you can prepare yourself for it. Making arrangements to keep the fear levels to a minimum. Knowing this truth, fear doesn’t have to be a shadowy figure in the darkness. “I know you’re there, Fear. Come on into the light. I don’t have to be so afraid of you anymore. We have met before.”
