Making Friends with Fear

“Feel the Fear . .  and Do It Anyway” lists 5 Truths about Fear.

The first one is that “The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.”
            
I find that comforting.  Fear can certainly make me uncomfortable.  Perhaps, in some ways, that’s a good safety mechanism. But once I notice I’m in fear, I don’t  need the fight or flee response. I can relax a little, knowing that fear and I are going to be spending more time together as I venture out. The second truth is that “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.”

Fear, as they say, is part of the territory.  The landscape over which you must travel to  do something new.  Get a new job, set a new direction, start a new business, a new life, or just open a new area of your life.

Susan Jeffers, the author of “Feel the Fear” also talks about the “Grid of Life.” She does a grid of 9 boxes.  Three up and three across.  You fill in things like relationship, job/career, family, friends, community, spirit, health, etc.  It’s to show you that there’s more to life than just your Relationship. Or your Job. So, as you go about developing or expanding areas of your life, you needn’t be surprised when you encounter fear.

Since there’s no use in pretending  fear won’t be there, you can prepare yourself for it. Making arrangements to keep the fear levels to a minimum. Knowing this truth, fear doesn’t have to be a shadowy figure in the darkness.  “I know you’re there, Fear.  Come on into the light.  I don’t have to be so afraid of you anymore.  We have met before.”

Goalsearch

Adventures from the book “Wishcraft,” by Barbara Sher

A Goal, Barbara says is the “basic unit of life design.”  I like that.  I like the way she talks, too, about shaping your life.  When she speaks of daydreaming, she calls it, “your genius itching to get its hands on some of that big-time space-time clay and start making worlds.”  Wow!

Dreaming is easy, she notes, “making it come true means choosing a piece to do first.”  Well, that’s a practical bit of information.  You have to get started somewhere.

She calls a goal, “a concrete action or event.”  It’s essential to name your goal.  How else are you going to know you’ve reached it?  It also makes it a whole lot easier to find.  I want to go to Cincinnati will give you a much better set of directions than I want to go somewhere West of here.  We are not, as Barbara says, “Building a bridge to a cloud.” We want to get somewhere.

The way to get through procrastination and frustration is to set a target date.  This anchors your goal in reality and makes Time something to be worked with. 

Barbara explains what she calls, “Touchstones.”  That’s the emotional, juicy center of what you want.  What you really want from it.  The essence.  I’ve found that when you can name the essence of what you want, you open up a huge realm of possibilities.  If I want a shiny new Aston Martin, is it because I want dependable transportation or because I want to feel like a million bucks driving it?  Knowing which one can help me find lots of other ways to have what I want.

Barbara makes a good suggestion. She says you should put your goal to a test: imagine living your goal.  You may say you want to be President of the United States, but when you actually think about doing it . . . well, you might have a different take on it.  You need to be certain this is something you really want, in reality.  Not something someone else thinks you should. 

There aren’t many exercises in this chapter.  But she does tell us how to use all the information we collected in the last chapter to choose our goal.  How to turn your touchstone into a goal.  What to do when your goal feels millions of miles away.    I liked the one about looking at your Ideal Day to see what’s missing.  Using that as your goal.  I’m so close to my Ideal Day, it isn’t hard to see what’s missing.  Barbara also talks about what to do with the “Impossible Dream.”  I love the way she thinks!  Reminding us that there are some physical limitations to having all of what we dream, but most of the limitations are in our minds.  Barbara shows us how to break down those big dreams into smaller targets along the way.  She keeps saying that the more you can experience aspects of your dream, the more energy you will have to keep going.

There are instructions for using the “Private Eye Game” and the “20 Things you Like to Do” to find your target.  She gives lots of real-life examples of how people have carved their dreams one piece at a time.  “Reminding yourself that the time ahead of you is yours to create in your own image, however that image may change.”

She even talks about having too many goals.  The exercise here asks what if you had 5 lives?  “What if you could have five chances to explore a different talent, interest or lifestyle to its fullest?”  Wow!  That was fun. I chose: architect, musician, novelist, writer in Italy, activist. 

Barbara doesn’t just leave you hanging with five major life goals either.  She offers ways they can be realized in one lifetime.  Sequential Goals – changing your life mid-stream.  Simultaneous Goals like moonlighting.   Alternating Goals which means scheduling on again and off again goals, like teachers doing something different over the summer months.  And, Multimedia goals, which is doing similar things in different arenas.  Like writing a book about something you love.

Using her ideas, there are a lot of ways I can get my five lives into this lifetime.  I can design and build my own home, I can learn to play an instrument and maybe play with a community band, or open my home to musicians.  I certainly plan on publishing a book someday, and maybe get back to my fiction.  If I can’t be a writer living in Italy, maybe I can create my own “retreat” at my custom-built home, or take other writer’s retreats.  Being an activist is most definitely something I can work into my life. “Nothing you love,” she says, “should ever be left sitting on the shelf.”

Next week we get a lesson in “Hard Times, or the Power of Negative Thinking.”  Intriguing!

Easy Rollin’

SARK’s got me thinking about Vacation. I’m of the mind these days that I am pushing so hard, staying focused, trying to do so much . . . it sounds like a good idea to plug in some of that “Vacation Feeling” as often as I can.

Maybe a good song will put me in the mood. I believe that Felix Cavaliere, famed member of the music group The Rascals from the mid-60’s to the early 70’s, never got his due for having written a lot of very spiritual and inspirational music. Some of his songs are far deeper than his rock group image.

“People Got to Be Free,” recorded in 1968, should be the world’s anthem: ”You

should see, what a lovely, lovely world this would be; If everyone learned to live together. It seems to me such an easy, easy thing this would be. Why can’t you

and me learn to love one another.”  I don’t know if it’s ever been said better.

“Lucky Day” is an upbeat number which chants, “This must be my lucky day.” “Brother Tree, Ray of Hope, Heaven, Beautiful Morning.” I would call all of these spiritual songs.The one I choose to sing each and every day of my Vacation Life, one that fills me with the vacation feeling is “Easy Rollin.” I give you the Divinely-inspired words of Felix Cavaliere and Eddie Brigati ~

 

“Easy rollin’, ain’t no need to hurry at all.

It’s just a special mornin’ when I wake yawnin’ and sun is shinin’.

I feel like I’ve been dreamin’ & freelance schemin’

On the colored rainbows.

Everything’s fine, now.

As long as it’s. . . Easy rollin’.

Never see me worried no more, oh no.

Don’t have a care or worry, no need to hurry

For relaxation.

I’m turnin’ in all my hassles & buldin’ castles

For my vacation.

It’s gonna be nice now.

Just keepin’ it . . . Easy rollin’, no need to hurry at all.

Believe it, you don’t have to worry, no.

Hmm hmm hmm mmm, hmm oh.

I’m livin’ a dream a minute, deep down within it

My life’s a flower.

I think that I wouldn’t change or rearrange

A single hour.

Everything’s fine now; it’s got to be

Easy rollin’

Don’t you worry at all. Don’t have to worry no more.

Don’t have to hurry at all.

Keep it easy.”

Ahhh! Feel the sun? Hear the surf? I’m there.  Taking it easy.

 

Barack, the Magic Man

Whatever side we may take in the political debate of our times, we can probably agree that the media is far more opinion than news. Maybe that’s merely an effect of 24 hours news networks with too much time to fill. I only want to be sure opinions are not touted as “news.” I tend to lean toward the messages of unity rather than divisiveness. But this is, after all, the Positive Slant. Here then follows, my opinion to add to the heap ~

I think a lot of people, me included, had grown to see Obama as a Magic Man. He had overcome so much and made so much of himself as a man, as a professional, as a politician. He had proven himself time and time again on the campaign trail as a level-headed, incredibly intelligent man who was already doing things differently. We were, some of us, so beaten and discouraged by the time he finally took office, maybe we were dazed enough to see him as Super Hero or even a Savior.

This 2009 Presidency is a huge job. Even for a Super Hero. If we could just focus on getting health care reform, then, energy, and after that, education. . . But there’s so much that needs tending first: the Wars, the banking industry, the job market, the auto industry, housing, why we haven’t gotten to a place where everyone has equal rights, and taking care of our own and not turning away from our promises to the world. So much is going on! We know it. We hear it every day.

I, for one, thank God for Obama’s “dithering.” A smart man, considering whether to send more troops to their potential deaths, faces it. Lets cameras take pictures of what we haven’t been able to see in this war before – dead troops coming home. He has brought himself front and center before making his decision. He has talked to experts, researched the facts, confided in his trusted staff, tried to get a bead on the possible outcomes of his decision. That’s dithering I can believe in! Is it possible that George Bush was too intellectually lazy to dither?

As for change in Washington, I would say a shining example of the word “entrenched” would be the policies and systems in our government. It takes time. All of it. We can’t afford to shelve any of these pressing problems. Everything needs immediate attention to nudge it along. Multi-tasking at its new millennium finest. There may be only so much one government can do. It takes time to drag out the roots of an entrenched system.

I believe I see signs of change, though. People are being called out, even if there hasn’t been a good system of accountability, yet. For me, saying what Fox News isn’t, despite its claim, is a good thing. Telling the Truth. Saying what needs to be said. The Gentleman from Florida who has spoken out so clearly about how he sees things. (Not a call out of name calling, but declarative statements.) He is almost ecstatic about the Health Care bill. I don’t claim to know how all this works. But I have heard tell these things take time. I know everything I want to do does. In Washington, it could well take a few tries to get things “perfect.” (If they ever will be.) Democracy is a messy sport. We do the best we can.

No one, not even Barack Hussein Obama, clap-clap, can make it all go way with the snap of his fingers, snap-snap. At least we know he’s on the job!

Sark’s Awesome Vacation

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately. Worn out from a lot of work and a fair amount of stress. What I could really use is a vacation. Yes, that’s exactly what I need! But, alas, no money and no time for such things.

I tried, once, to imagine a vacation in my head. I wrote in my journal of a long journey down the coast of California, visiting friends and loved ones. Then, I laid myself down on the recliner, put on my blinders to take “off” on my vacation. What happened in my imaginings was more about reclining and listening to the sounds of nature and doing nothing.

Well, SARK, in her inimitable way, has come up with an eProgam called “SARK’s Awesome Anytime Adventure.” She calls it, “a 30-day tour to the most breathtaking destinations within you!”

I checked it out on her web site at:

 

http://www.planetsark.com/AwesomeAnytimeAdventure.htm

 

and it looks exceptionally cool. SARK has designed a fully nurturing way to take a month’s vacation (who has time for that) without leaving your home or your obligations. There are three pieces to it: 1) “Travel Guidebook Pages.” There are samples on the web site with delicious ideas for changing your routine and your perspective. There’s also some of that amazing SARK art, designed to tickle and inspire. 2) “Daily Dot of Inspiration.” An audio of SARK talking SARK-ese. Almost like having her on vacation with you! 3) “Daily Travel Journal” with writing prompts. You can write as little or as much as you want.

This is all at your own pace. From what I can see, it doesn’t take a lot of time and can bring you gallons of refreshment! When you’re done, you get the whole vacation, like a scrap book, with all the pieces in an e-book. 150 pages in various formats. Black and White, too Yes, it would save on ink, but I can’t imagine SARK in black and white!

The cost seems quite reasonable, too. If you sign up today (before the end of October), it’s only $49. After that, it’s $59. Where can you go for that little? If I went further than my neighborhood, $60 would barely cover gas in my fuel-efficient Toyota, not to mention food, etc.

She’s got some other ePrograms that look interesting. “Transformation Experience,” “Juicy Journalling,” and “Magical Journeys.” If it’s with SARK, you know it’s going to be packed with fun and loving!  Check out www.planetsark.com for more information on all these programs and more.

No Lose Labeling

I know, I’m stuck on Susan Jeffers’ “No Lose Choice Point.” Her theory states that either choice, either path, can offer goodies. I’m finding it helpful in more areas than just decision-making. Such as labeling, for example.

You might label something “Bad” criticism because it hurts or was badly delivered. It can stop you in your tracks, if you’re not careful. What would be considered “Good” criticism, feels right, slips in easily and immediately makes your work better.

There are definitely Rules of Etiquette around giving criticism or “feedback.” You focus, first, on the good stuff. Which there always is. Then you phrase your comments carefully, with respect for the other’s sensitivity, talent and knowledge. I find it helpful to talk about how the work made me feel – where I might have gotten confused or felt lost.

But I’d like to suggest that there are goodies even from “Bad” criticism. From feedback that feels harsh or not as carefully given, perhaps comments you (the artist) do not think are applicable or “right.” First, that kind of feedback gets you to look more deeply at what Critic “B” has said. You might want to get clarification which could reveal that it wasn’t so “bad” at all. If you can’t do that, see if you can suss motives. Is this person honestly trying to help? If so, then try to see your work as Critic “B” did. Walk a mile in his shoes, just to see what’s there, what goodies might be down that path.

I have found that almost all criticism has something to offer. Not everyone is on target, mind you, but if an open, fair-minded critique is given, it usually points to a weakness somewhere, of some kind. It’s not necessarily exactly what the Critic has said it is. You may have to look deeper to find it. But someone who criticizes regularly or does the same kind of work, can usually sense when something’s not right. That is, after all what you’re after: not just confirmation, but another perspective.

If you go through this process of trying to see your work as others see it, of figuring out and resolving the problem, it will make you stronger. It gives you confidence in your ability to make changes, shows you a new way of looking at your work, and teaches you to keep an open mind, even it doesn’t feel right at first. More often than not, that piece of criticism which makes you most uncomfortable is just the thing you need to hear. In that case, I find a good trick is to put the comment aside for a few days. Then try to re-visit it when the emotions have settled down. You just might find a mother lode of goodies!

Now, not all criticism comes from a good place. It can be motivated by jealousy, or a lack of caring. Often, when someone criticizes your content, tells you that what you created was “wrong” or you should’ve created something else, that often signals misplaced or incorrect criticism. A Critic might say, I don’t understand that, it isn’t clear to me what you meant, or it feels/looks awkward. But to tell someone that what they’ve created is incorrect, usually ends up a waste of time. I had someone criticize my writing once, telling me that young accountants don’t ever go out for drinks!

If we label the honest kind “Bad” criticism, we could miss something we need to know. If we can look at it, instead, as “hard” criticism, we may find that someone else’s perspective reveals something we couldn’t see before. Alerting us to ways we can make deeper changes to our work or our practice.

Let’s face it, everyone who creates something is sensitive. It’s a whole lot easier to hear what’s “right” with our work or to work with someone who knows how to deliver feedback gently. But it is a fact of this creative life. Learning to deal with criticism of all kinds makes us stronger artists and can help us to produce more and better work.

Stylesearch Part 2

From the book Wishcraft, by Barbara Sher.

The next exercise in this chapter is to list “20 Things You Like To Do.” It came pretty easily for me, but took a little thinking to get the last few things on the list. Then, you are to put them on a chart to note how long since you last did it, does it cost or is it free, do you do it alone or with others, is it planned or spontaneous, fast or slow, etc. You can add your own, too. I wanted to see what was done at home and what away. I also wanted to see which were active and which were passive. It was an interesting exercise. Once you get the 20 things down, and the chart crafted (I did it on the computer) it was easy to check off the boxes. I went back and bolded some of the more interesting revelations.

For instance, I was delighted to find that I do most of these things regularly. There were more things than I thought which included others, were spontaneous, physical and not done at home. Most of them were free or cheap. More than half of them touched me Mind, Body and Soul. I liked that! I definitely learned a few things about myself.

Next, we are to describe our Ideal Environment. She asks us not to adjust ourselves to fit it, but to adjust it to fit us. Just exactly where you would like to be, in what situations would give you the best possible life. My ideal environment is very close to what I have now. Aren’t I blessed! I would change a few things, like the climate and the space.

My Ideal Day, too, has many elements of my current day: doing things I love to do, having time for things that are important to me. I have a good structure around my day that includes work, movement, tending to my home and spending time with my husband. It might be missing a little play, but I get some once in a while.

Then, she does an interesting thing: she asks you to analyze your fantasy. That’s bringing it down to earth! You create a chart which includes what’s Indispensable under What, Where and Who. Then, you list the things that are Optional, but Desirable and finally the Frills. I didn’t have any frills. I like to think that I’ve worked on this so carefully, and my life is so well designed, that I don’t need frills. They would have to be things I haven’t even thought of yet.

I think most people don’t bother to think about these things, because they’re too far away or impossible. Let me tell you, I haven’t had a whole lot going for me. The most important thing I have is an ability to allow myself to dream. That’s why I find myself very close to my Ideal Environment living my Ideal Day. I took the leap of faith, years ago, to define what would be the best situation for me.

What is Indispensable in my dream? What are the pieces that I need in my Ideal Life? Writing my words, on my schedule, mostly from home. Music to listen to. Good money and radiant health. Time to tend to the things that are important to me. I have most of that. The optional, but desirable piece is the custom designed house in my perfect climate. No frills!

Next week, in Chapter 4, we take all the wonderful fantasy mining we’ve done and make it into something in Goalsearch.

 

The Power of the Universe

Just a quick review ~

Om Shanti Om (India, 2007)

Not one of the best of the Bollywood genre, but a good one. Bollywood movies are colorful and bursting with song and dance. The second half of this movie was better than the first, but one of the traits of a Bollywood movie is that it is often long – close to three hours – but it never feels that way.

Om Shanti Om has a theme running through it that really intrigued me. They say that if you really want something, with your whole heart, the Universe will conspire to make it happen. And conspire It does! Using every avenue at Its call. I love that idea and like to think it’s true.

The other piece that engaged me was that having the right nurturing soil surely does help you realize your dreams. Our hero, in the right situation, is able to achieve all he wished for.

Along the way there is, of course, lavish sets, a huge cast, and lots of romance and flash.

A Life Changing Choice

Last week, I spoke before about Susan Jeffers, “No Lose Choice Points.” Some may think that is to be used only when we have major life decisions. But even on the small, day-to-day choices this practice can create a life-changing effect on us.

By filling up even the little Choice Points with goodies, making it a choice between, say

Chocolate which makes me feel safe and like a kid again or

Vanilla which makes me feel light and well cared for

I can begin to relish making choices.

Without all the angst around Should I, Will I, Can I, May I, choosing becomes fun! A chance to check in and see what I really want in the moment.

Many of our problems happen when we make inappropriate choices. When we can’t decide and find it difficult and overbearing or confusing and decide under pressure. Or when we don’t decide and leave it up to “fate.” (Which will happily continue to roll along with or without us and our non-choice.) Sometimes we make a choice for others, without making sure it sits well with our internal register. These are all places where trouble can set in.

Everything we see, hear, taste, smell is conjured up through our choices. How we choose has a profound effect on the life we build around us. Our choice of job, place to live, people to be with, books to read, food to eat, all contribute to constructing and shaping the world we live in.

It makes sense that if we go at making all our choices with gusto, joy and awareness we’re going to make better decisions. That’s a life-change choice!

Wishcraft, Stylesearch, Part 1

From the book Wishcraft, by Barbara Sher.

Stylesearch is a long one. 6 exercises in all. So I’m going to break it in two.

Barbara starts us out slowly with the “Pick a Color” game. The exercise is to write about being the color. I am Lavender. I’m a little girl’s bedroom. I’m lacy and pretty. Soft and gentle. I like to surround others in a cool embrace. Draped in Lavender, I am sensitive and caring. I’m a writer, so I make stuff up and am never satisfied. So, I did another, deciding that I had initially been drawn to Orange. I am Orange. I am sunny and bright, warm and charming. I sparkle and glow. I am healthy and strong. Not quite as fun, I grant you. Her take on all this is that we choose from our style. And that it’s difficult to talk about ourselves in a positive way. This is supposed to be a description of ourselves. Otherwise, we’re labeled subjective. Or worse yet, self centered. Why is that? You’re only being objective about yourself if you criticize. Weird.

The next exercise, as we find out more about ourselves, is the “Private Eye” Game. In this, we are to take a look around our environment – our home, our office, our car – with a fresher eye. A writer in my critique group wrote a piece recently about how when you first move in somewhere, you are constantly moving things around, changing, rearranging. But eventually, you settle into a comfortable rut. In that rut it’s hard to see what is all around you. So, it’s a fun exercise to sharpen your eye and look at your surroundings in a new light.

I learned a few things about myself. There is a lot more color in my life than I realized. I tend to be loyal to a musical artist, rather than an eclectic mix of various bands. Also, I use a whole lot of paper! It’s clear I’m into spirituality with spiritual books, sacred texts and objects abounding. I see a lot of creativity in how things are arranged. There’s a deep love of family I hadn’t realized, with all the pictures. I’m also more organized than I give myself credit for. There is a fair amount of clutter, but it is well ordered. It’s a fun game that is good to do every once in a while. It also helps you to keep a cleaner house. Like how all of a sudden you notice the smudges and dust bunnies when company is coming.

Exercise 6 is “Seeing Yourself as Others See You.” I’ve had the opportunity, recently, to collect some testimonials for my new web site. So I’ve read some really nice things about me and my writing. I also have a great support team who frequently tell me what’s good about me. I can’t say, though, that I sit and listen to it, taking dictation and not discounting as Barbara suggests. I think I can arrange that, though I haven’t yet. I see this as an important piece of life that we, as a culture, discount. We should all endeavor to tell everyone what we think is so wonderful about them, all the time. Maybe we could start with one day a year – Praise Day!

Barbara offers a second version for those that are not as blessed with a team as I am, or perhaps shy about asking for such things. Instead she says, create your own cheering section. The family that you didn’t have. You may choose from anyone, living or dead, fictional or real, in your life or distant. I had a whole lot of fun with this.

I used her grid for the perfect family to create my own ~ My mother is Brenda Ueland, a marvelous writer and writing teacher who believed that there is genius in everyone. She would see the unique genius, surely, in me, her daughter and would love and respect me for it. She would encourage the writer in me and help nurture that in any way she could. She would be endlessly delighted by me and whatever I came up with next. Following me, day by day through my dreams, interests and excitements.

My father, Ian McShane, with his beautiful British accent would explain things to me. Help me explore and find out about everything from antiques, to British Parliament, to the American Goldrush, architecture or archery. He would protect me, too. And always stand up for me. A formidable man to have on your team. A King.

My brother would be Johnny Depp. He would tell me I could do anything I wanted and that I would still be loved and admired no matter what it was. A man of many talents and interests himself. Johnny always does what he’s passionate about and never lets anyone tell him he’s no good. He would teach me endless belief in myself and remind me never to listen to critics, but keep following my passion.

My sister would be Marianne Williamson, spiritual teacher extraordinaire! A beautiful woman, with a past. She knows all the heavy-hitters in this spiritual growth business and would let her little sister (I’m pretty sure I’m older than she is in real life) sit in on her meetings with these people. As long as I stay quiet and listen. As her sister, I would certainly be invited to join their circle when I was old enough. She would be there to listen to me complain, sympathize, because she’s been there, too, but never let me give up.

I needed someone to bail me out and never reproach me. That was a tricky one. I felt there needed to be an element of magic in this person, too. For he must know, intuitively, when I need him. I guess I can do whatever I want, so I chose Captain Jack Sparrow. (I am a big fan of Johnny Depp in all his forms!) Captain Jack, being rather a rogue himself, couldn’t reproach me for the innocent scrapes I get myself into. His cleverness and speed, swooping in and saving the day is just what I need.

Enjoying this so much, I got into thinking about a Nanny or babysitters. Mother Brenda is a strong, confident woman with a life of her own, so she sometimes must leave me in the care of others. Wanting to nurture my talents, I think she’d like to leave me with someone like SARK who has the biggest sense of fun I’ve ever known. What a great person to hang with as a child! There might be others, carefully chosen to provide me with fun and the proper kind of education and creative soil.

Certainly I feel surrounded by winners! These will be my cheering section to tell me what I need to hear, to go to when I’m feeling defeated or scared. I got frustrated today because I couldn’t find the e-mail address of someone I want to contact. Marianne sympathized with me that it was a drag. Who does this person think she is? A rock star? But, Marianne reminded me, even rock stars have Business Managers. Surely, I can find out how to get in touch with this person. Don’t give up! Use who you know. How cool is that?

The investigation of Stylesearch continues. Until next week.